How to Talk to Someone about a Difficult Topic

By Edel Jarboe

Do you need to talk to a friend, a co-worker, or your spouse about a difficult subject? Is it causing you a lot of stress and anxiety? You are not alone. Everyone dreads conversations where the emotional and psychological stakes are high. But it is possible to have an honest, productive, and less stressful heart to heart.
Stacy: "You are so stuck up! You are always putting me down in front of everyone. Did you have to tell Jake and Luann that I cut my own hair? You know money is a little tight for me right now."
Annabelle: "Your hair looks terrible. Maybe that's why you haven't had a date in 6 months."
Stacy: " I don't think it's any of your business."
Annabelle: "Fine. I'm leaving now. Are you coming?"
Stacy: "No, I think I need to trim my bangs!"

Communicate the Facts

Avoid getting bogged down in too many details, instead focus on the substance of what happened. Establish a fact pattern of who did what and how you got to where you are now. How would a neutral, third-party describe the situation?

How Do You Feel About the Situation?

Our feelings often get mixed up in our judgments of another person's behavior. Negatively describing a person's actions immediately puts them on the defensive and they are more likely to stop listening and counter with a verbal attack of their own. This is a definite no-no when it comes to difficult conversations. It is much more effective to focus on how their actions made you feel instead of labeling their actions. In other words, replace the phrase, "You are so......" with the phrase ,"When you do X, it makes me feel..."

Why Do You Feel This Way?

Perhaps you feel vulnerable or defensive because some aspect of your self-image might be under attack. Identify which aspect of your self-image feels threatened. Is it your ability to make money? Your ability to sustain a healthy love relationship? Do you see yourself as a nice person who hates to put your foot down? Is it a trust issue? Figuring out where the pain or distress is coming from helps you to be more objective. And by being able to view the situation in a calmer and more rational manner, you are able to act on the situation instead of just reacting to it.

What is the Purpose of the Conversation?

What do you want this conversation to accomplish? Do you want an apology? Do you need closure? Or are you trying to solve a problem? Deciding which outcome you are seeking will help you stay focused. We all know how easy it is to get sidetracked in a conversation, and this tendency is even more likely to occur when we are discussing emotion-laden matters.

Seek to Understand

Think about the situation from the other person's point of view. Again, this will help you to be more objective. Get their feedback. Ask, "How do you see the situation?" Treating the conversation as a mission for understanding can also help start the conversation and will go a long way towards making it a two-way one.
Stacy: "Do you realize that I feel hurt and embarrassed when you draw attention to my money problems?"
Annabelle: "I didn't think it was that big of a deal to you. You're always telling me that things are tight."
Stacy: "But I don't want the whole world to know. I only told you because I trusted you."
Annabelle: "I'm sorry. I won't do it in the future. Let me make it up to you. How about I treat you to a movie?"
Stacy: "Apology accepted. Just let me get my jacket."

The Last Word

Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps it hasn't even occurred to them that their behavior is causing you pain or distress. And, once you begin to talk, don't monopolize the conversation. You won't accomplish anything by making the other person feel as if they are being taken to task. Finally, if a difficult conversation doesn't go as well as you'd hoped, don't dwell on it. How you handle a conflict is more important than the conflict itself. This is called character.

Edel Jarboe is the founder of Self Help for Her.com, an online self-help magazine helping you create a better life. She also publishes a free weekly newsletter, which features advice on goal setting, stress management, coping with difficult people, and overcoming obstacles