1.
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as
though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to his
cheeks.
When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close
mouth
and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the
process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm
holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill
to
back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
10,
if you are able. Hold cat's mouth closed as well.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe.
Call for assistance.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
immobilizing
front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly
with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. Flick pill
down
ruler with forefinger, and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from living-room curtain valance.
8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set
aside
for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.
9. Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on
cat
with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in
end of
paper tube you've made for this purpose. Then, force cat's mouth
open with pencil, and blow.
10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip
water
to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm, and
remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.
11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof. Remove fourth pill from
foil.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door on cat's neck and head
outside
cupboard. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat
with rubber band.
12. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Throw bloodied, ripped T-shirt away, and
fetch
another from bedroom.
13. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving
to
avoid cat.
14. Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from
eucalyptus tree.
15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.
16. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and
securely
tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves.
Force cat's
mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in one
ounce of
raw hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with nose
pointed
to ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down cat's throat,
and two
jiggers of whiskey down your own.
17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly
while
doctor administers anesthetic, stitches fingers, forearm, and
removes
pill remnants from eye.
18. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal
shelter,
and adopt a goldfish.
Author Unknown
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